Should I have a baby after 35?
No, 35 children are enough.
Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
Your therapist.
When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Yes, your bladder.
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
Childbirth.
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
Um, what’s your question?
What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.
What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
When it’s a girl, for starters.
What causes baby blues?
Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Yes, pregnancy.
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
When you see teeth marks.
Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
