Our family: July 2009

July 24, 2009

More Conner pics

And Conner's first felony... Michael is so proud.

July 16, 2009

My plan before encountering this strange being called “Son” had been to maintain constant visual and physical contact for the duration of our coexistence in order to maximize the bonding process I had heard so much about. I abandoned this plan on Daddy Date 2 in favor of sleep. It was at some point in the intervening days that my child was replaced by some form of alien construct. This strange new alien being bears a very strong resemblance to my son and yet there are strong inconsistencies with its mannerisms; the new construct’s only purpose seems to be to study the extremes of human psychology under applied stress. Its functions appear to be threefold.

First, the being attempts to deprive its caretakers of sleep at every occasion. It may lay in perfect silence for hours upon end, saving up the power necessary to supply its wailing alarm when, lulled by its silence, I attempt to sleep… thus providing it the perfect moment to unleash its ululating screech. The sheer volume of this cry defies description. It is an almost physical presence pounding at the brain stem. Also, if the being detects the effects of its alarm upon you lessening, it will change the tone, frequency, or volume in a subtle yet pervasive fashion. I am led to believe that it includes an expansive database of tones, frequency, and pitches that are adaptable to any given situation and are harmful to the human senses and psyche.

Second, it seems strangely motivated to prevent its caretakers from eating food at the proper temperature. I speculate that it has a highly sophisticated Onboard Thermodynamics Processing Logic Engine. Somehow, whether I attempt to eat hot or cold food, the being senses the item being prepared and proceeds to engage in a delaying and distracting action. Using its previously mentioned screeching alarm or its Stinky Substance Producer (see Paragraph 4 of this report) it will prevent me from eating hot food until it is cold, or cold food until it is hot. If it weren’t so annoying I would be amazed at the processing power contained in the being’s hard drive for it MUST contain a comprehensive database of Earth cuisine with a preparation temperature database that it cross references with amazing speed in order to engage in the proper delaying action.

Finally, and most confusing, the being is completely dedicated to taking in sustenance and converting it to a previously undiscovered viscous, stinky, tar-like substance that is secreted from a small hole in its backside. I have yet to discover the purpose of this process, but the fact that the being is completely dedicated to it is undeniable. If it is not provided with fresh material for the conversion process every 1-2 hours it will reengage the wailing alarm until fresh matter is presented to it.

I also suspect that through prolonged exposure this strange being secretes some form of chemical agent which causes in its caretakers dependency and a reaction indistinguishable from human love. Although it attempts to deprive me of sleep, food and sanity at every turn, I feel an overwhelming and irrational urge to provide for its comfort and safety, actions which the unfettered portions of my mind tell me are illogical and counter-intuitive. Furthermore, any attempt on my part to document the nefarious actions of this changeling or to expose its inherent evil nature to others results in the being reverting to the mannerisms of my replaced Son. It is abundantly clear that the being’s psychological experiments are limited to myself and my wife. Upon detecting the presence of another, the being instantly engages in actions I can only describe as cute. It will make gurgling and cooing noises, gaze upon its new viewers with soulful eyes and deploy an adorable grin, sometimes even going so far as to grip the newcomer’s finger until they are sighing in adoration.

I have taken several images of this strange being which I will now post in order to obtain new perspective on its possible purposes. Please do not let its cute and unassuming outer appearance or its diminutive stature distract you. There is undoubtedly a malevolent purpose behind this sleep and food depriving, stink and noise producing Being from Elsewhere.

Back in the hospital again...

So we were in the hospital from Tuesday morning till Saturday evening. Michael brought Conner in for his 24 hour follow up on Sunday morning while I stayed home to recover and catch a little sleep. 4 hours later one of my friends woke me up to tell me she had gotten a call from Michael (my phone was dead) and Conner needed to be checked back into the hospital for jaundice. She drove me up right away where Michael filled me in on what was going on.

Apparently jaundice is fairly common in newborns; in low levels, it isn't anything to worry about. When the levels get as high as Conner's, however, it needs to be treated, beginning with massive amounts of UV light. Even though Michael and I were beginning to be tired of the hospital, Conner was in absolute heaven. He sprawled out under those lamps like he was tanning at a 5 star resort and we were all at his beck and call.

After days under the lamp his jaundice score finally reached acceptable levels and he was removed from the light. We had to stick around for more testing to be sure it didn't rebound and were FINALLY released Wednesday afternoon, almost a full week after he was born. So we went and bought a stroller. Yup, didn't have that yet, either.

Conner Davis Rodgers is born!

So I went in for my 37 week checkup at 9:45am on Tuesday, July 7. I mentioned that I'd had a constant headache for about a week and pointed out my huge, puffy feet and ankles. The doctor noted my elevated blood pressure and, even though baby and I seemed perfectly fine in every other regard, decided to send me up to Labor and Delivery to get checked for pre-eclampsia. After 3 hours of boredom in L&D waiting for test results, 3 doctors came in and told me that I was borderline pre-eclamptic and they recommended I proceed with an induction. They said I could stay overnight and get re-tested in the morning but since pre-eclampsia only gets worse and I was considered "full term" there was really no point. I asked if it was possible to wait until, say, Friday, because I just wasn't ready. They said of course but they didn't recommend it and I would have to sign an Against Medical Advice form. At this point I began to cry because I didn't know what to do and Michael was at work...

Now before you tell me I'm silly, please imagine what was running through my mind. Constant mental images of the baby's room... that we had just begun repainting... can't picture what's so bad about that? Well, take a look:

Yup, now you see my stress. Anyway, I called Michael at work and he drove up right away. Of course we decided to move forward with the induction since it was the best thing for Conner's health (we had decided upon his name literally the day before).

Around 2pm Michael and I were quickly moved into a delivery room where they proceeded to give me my last meal of old chicken and stale garlic bread (which I inhaled because I'd been there all day and hadn't eaten a thing since 8am). They started me on some IV drug to begin the labor since I wasn't dilated at all and Conner showed no sign of wanting to be born any time soon. Michael ran home and packed a bag; yup, we were completely unprepared. Sometime that evening they decided to give me an epidural since I was finally beginning to have contractions. I was dilated to 3 by that point.

I begged for a c-section, telling them that Conner was stubborn and enjoying his womb time and since it was so early there was no way he was going to cooperate with labor, but they refused to even consider it. Michael spent the rest of the labor bringing me ice chips and helping me switch sides because I kept getting so antsy staying in one position. Luckily there was a recliner/bed in the room for him to sleep in.

Our super nice labor room...

My millions of meds...

Michael's recliner/bed. Oh, and me.

Sometime Wednesday afternoon I was checked again and the doctor reported I was only dilated to 5. They also kept losing the baby's heartrate so they decided to break my water in order to put a monitor directly onto his head (not a fun process). This was when the doctor discovered that Conner had his hand on top of his head and refused to move it, even when the doctor poked and pinched him. After the baby had pulled the monitors off his head 3 times and they realized his hand was keeping me from dilating, they broke the "unfortunate" news that we were going to have to go with a C-section. FINALLY! Because I was having full contractions by this point and was screaming in pain (the epidural had most definitely worn off) I told them to just do it and get it over with already.

I was quickly moved to the operating room, prepped, and given full, blessed numbness from the waist down. Michael was escorted in, completely done up in scrubs. He sat there by my head and talked to me about I can't even recall what, while they tugged and pulled below the curtain (I specifically told them NO mirrors). Suddenly, at 8:45pm, we heard a little wailing, sobbing sound and realized Conner had been born! The surgeon handed him to the peds docs, who brought him over to the corner and did their tests. Michael reported that he wasn't very slimey, was nicely pink, and had lots of hair.